How to be the Perfect Woman, Wife, and Mother – Seasons of a Woman’s Life

Perfect?

Ever since we were little we have heard stories about princesses. We may have dreamed about the perfect wedding, the perfect family, the perfect husband. We were taught that we could have the perfect life, that we could be the perfect woman.

Okay. Take a deep breath. I know you may have clicked on this link to get tips on how to get your life together. So you can learn how to have this perfect life. And I hope you will learn something. But it will not be how to be a perfect ANYTHING. Because that just doesn’t exist.

Social Media Fail

You would not know that from social media or television though. Social media posts usually don’t reflect reality. They actually just show a glimpse, small moments of sanity in a very crazy world.

You see a post where the perfect woman’s kids are receiving an award at school. Right before the whole family goes on a summer trip to Disney World where the kids act like angels on the plane (even the 2 year old). She packed everything for everyone in her family (including her husband) 2 days early.

And of course the house is spotless when its time to go. And no one is late for anything and everyone is happy.

That has to be true because you saw 6 pictures showing exactly that, right? Everything is perfect and she is the perfect woman, right?

But what you did not see were the 150 moments in between. You know the ones where the 2 year old just had an accident in their pants in the suitcase of clothes that they were playing in. The clothes that now have to go in the wash again.

And you do not see the 7 year old having a complete melt down because he can’t take his 500 piece lego set with him on the trip.

Or the fact that the husband waited til the last minute to pack his clothes and the family barely made it on the plane.

Social media has ruined our expectations of what reality is and what it means to be a wife, mother, and woman.

The Perfect Set Up

And don’t get me started on television. I grew up watching the Cosby Show. Now if that was not a set up for what life was NOT. You have 2 working parents with 5 kids, plenty of life lessons, people always over, and a SPOTLESS house. Claire Huxtable was the perfect woman, wife and mother.

You see that picture of the perfect family. Well the person missing in the picture is the maid. Because there is NO WAY that family would have existed without some help. Because I don’t EVER remember Claire or Cliff cleaning up after the 5 children.

The Balance Breakdown

Or maybe we should listen to the corporate world and just try to have a Work/Life Balance. Sorry that ain’t it either. Because that implies that all areas in life are in perfect balance. That you are doing just as well at work as you are doing at home. And sometimes that is not the case either.

So what is a woman to do, just let herself, her house, and her kids go wild. No!

What I have learned is that all of the above is just going to make you feel frustrated about life, steal your joy, and make you feel inadequate.

A Time for Every Purpose

What we need to understand instead is that there are seasons and appropriate times for everything in our life.

The Bible even speaks of this in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, a time to die;
A time to to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to breakdown, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Let’s take a look at a time to plant and a time to pluck up or harvest that which is planted. Anyone who has ever tried to grow vegetables knows that you can’t just put whatever seeds in the ground whenever you want. You have to know when to plant tomatoes versus when to plant spinach.

If you tried to plant tomatoes too early in spring, guess what, you wouldn’t get any tomatoes. All you would be is tired from digging the group, planting the seeds, watering, weeding. All that work, with no results.

Our Seasons

That is the same with our lives. Our lives have seasons and cycles.

Most people will tell you that life is so different when you are single vs when you are married. It is also different when you have kids in diapers then when you have teenagers.

So you have to know what season of life you are in and act accordingly.

Season 1 – The Single Life

Season one of womanhood is being single.

This is the time that you have to enjoy life without any familial responsibilities. You get to travel where ever YOU want to go. Go hang out with friends as much and as late as you want.

This is your chance to find out who you are and what you like in a relationship. This is really your chance to do what you want to do without thinking about anyone else or consulting anyone else.

This season is also when you can really take care of you. Go get your hair done, get your nails done. Go to the gym whenever you want. Get massages. Make sure you look good. You have the time for it. Hopefully you have the money for it.

This season may be the closest you come to being a perfect woman because you have time for YOU.

Now let’t talks about what you should not be focused on during this season. Do not focus on finding a man or being with a man. If you focus on you and finding out who you are and what you want in life. You won’t have to “find” the right man. It will be easier for you to know who the right man is when he comes along.

This season is about YOU!

Season 2 – The Season of We

Season two of womanhood is when you get married.

This season has a lot of similarities with season one but some major differences.

First of all, you have another person in your life and house. The days of making all the decisions by yourself are gone. You can’t do ONLY what you want to do anymore. The days of going out with your friends every weekend and staying out as long as you want should be gone.

This season is about learning about a new person. Now is the time to learn to have a rhythm with your husband.

During this season, you are past dating. Also you start to take off the mask that you had on while you are dating. You will start to see the good, the bad, and the ugly about your husband and about yourself.

In addition to all that, this is your time to create a bond between you and your husband. Go on as many date nights as you can. This is the time to take some great vacations with each other.

The good thing is that while you are developing your relationship with your husband, you still have time for yourself. You still have time to take care of you.

But this season is more about “We” than “Me”.

Season 3 – It’s Wee Time

In this season, you have moved from just “we” to a season of “wee”. And by “wee”, I mean wee little ones.

This is a big change in life. You have now brought a new life into this world. This little life is completely dependent on you. This beautiful baby is a blank sheet of paper. Everything they will know, think, and feel, will come from you.

Wow! What a responsibility!

That is why in this season, you should focus on and pray for your children.

I know that when you are waking up all throughout the night, it feels like this season will never end. But don’t worry about it. For better or worse, time flies when you have young children.

Your days are filled with diapers and feedings at first, then potty training and letters, teaching Amharic, to finally school and homework. But most of all this time is for developing a new person.

Unfortunately, that means you may not be able to take as many trips. You may not be able to go on many date nights or girls night out. There may be days when you don’t get to shower. Most days your house is going to look like a tornado hit it. Your little ones take up ALOT of time.

This is a very high stress time. Mostly because of those unrealistic expectations for this time and the mom shaming. People feel you should do it all, be the perfect woman and mother. It is really easy to feel down on yourself and your value as a woman/mom.

But don’t feel bad. Who cares if you have to drop off your kids at school in your pajamas. (Yep, I do that.)

Are your kids happy? Are they well adjusted? Do your kids feel loved?

During this season, that is what is important.

Season 4 – Grown and Almost Flown

Congratulations! You now have a teenager!

Well, I don’t know if that is a Yeah or a Ahhhhhhhhh!

You have made it past the little kid stage. You now are starting to see your child truly develop more of their personality. They are becoming more independent. They are starting to deal with more mature situations.

No longer are they worried about play dates and first day of school. Now your children are dealing with dating (or the opposite sex), navigating friendships, they are finishing off their last years of school, getting ready for graduation and are starting to make decisions about their future.

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At times they may make you feel the only reason they need you is as a chauffeur. And you may start to think that you can “start living your life “again” because they don’t want you in their room let alone their life.

But don’t let them fool you. They still need you. You still have a lot to do to get your kids ready for their own life. You may not have to be as hands on. Hopefully, they are taking more responsibility, but you still have to be there to teach, guide, and advise.

What does that mean for you? Well, hopefully you are at a point where your house is no longer a complete disaster. You have started to teach your kids how to take care of themselves and their things, so it is not only your responsibility to clean the house. Your children are able to do that.

Also, you are able to start taking care of your self more. You don’t have to worry about bathing another human being. You can take that time to now maybe put some make up on or get your nails done. (Does that mean we are moving closer to being the perfect woman? Nah…Just kidding.)

And you can start to spend more time with your husband again. I mean while your older ones are out hanging with friends, you finally get to have the house to just you and your husband again.

But please don’t check out on your kids, they still need you.

Season 5 – Empty Nest

Seasons 2 and 3 when you have kids in the house has been crazy. It has been hard. But it will go by fast.

And now you can breathe again. You have hopefully raised strong, loving, independent young adults. I don’t think you will will ever stop worrying about them, but the hard part is done.

You get to get back to you and your husband and have your home to yourselves again. The date nights, the trips, and the running around naked in the house is back. (Except you may have a few more jiggly parts.)

But another important part of this season in life is that you get to mentor and pour into the lives of other women in your life. You have been there and done that. Now is the time to share your experiences with other women that are just at the beginning of their seasons.

The Bottom Line

A lot of people may argue with me about these seasons. They may say that you should never put yourself last and you should always make time for your husband.

And I completely agree. You should do those things.

BUT you have to figure out what your PRIORITY is in each of the seasons that you are in.

Next you have to FOCUS on those priorities.

Finally, you have to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK on all the other expectations.

Find a system that works for you where you focus on your priority for your season. Fit in some of the other things as you can. Sure go get your nails done, go on date nights with your husband, go on some amazing vacations, and go out on those girls nights.

But if you don’t get to do all of those things all the time, don’t beat yourself up about it. Get yourself in a place where you are happy.

The bottom line is being the perfect woman is not attainable, but a happy woman, wife, and mom is.

So tell me. What season of life are you in? What are your priorities? How do you avoid feeling shame for not being the perfect woman?